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hornbeam November 4th 2018 11:12 PM

My Walk

I am not going to post the lyrics of the song referenced in the thread title. No need, I'm sure we all know them by heart.

In September of 1998 I was involved in the recovery of SwissAir flight 111 which crashed off of the coast of Nova Scotia. The things I saw and had to help do haunted me. In April of this year I started to come around. I acknowledged my issues openly and began to see any Doctor I was told to see. I started to do all of the things they have asked me to do, I am still ticking off that list.

On October 10th, accompanied by my therapist, I went back to the beach that has haunted me for the first time. I was a wreck for weeks before this. I was terrified. Somehow I managed to make it there, and instantly it all began to get better. I visited a few spots before the beach. Ate ice cream. Avoided smoking.

Then we went to that beach. Almost right away, I saw the rock we sat on where we decided that this was just fucked and we had to soldier on. Then I saw the exact spot where I found my most haunting memory. And it was OK. Totally OK. I made it. I stole the life I left on that beach 20 years ago right back, and then I stole a big fucking rock from it to take home with me.

I can see that rock right now. I lug it around whenever I need something heavy to carry, just for the sake of carrying something heavy. "Heavy" It's mine. Like the affliction is mine. And my recovery is mine, all mine.

And on the first evening at home after the walk on the beach, I sat in my garage, freezing my nuts off, actually, smoked a joint (which is new since June and has cut me back on drinking a load), and listened to music.

Walk came on.

I'm learning to walk again. And the thing is, I am so much lighter now with all of this weight gone. It's like kicking off ski boots, or muddy rubber boots, or taking off a load of gear from a hike. Your body thinks you have the weight and if you're not careful you could trip and hurt yourself.

So I am taking it as slow as I can. It feels like a long and drawn out process, but because I'm committed it doesn't seem as daunting. I am proud of what I have accomplished. I forgive myself for my mistakes. Because I have already hit bottom, the only way to go is up. And as you begin to scale the ladder you know you may slip. You may just fall, but you'll never hit bottom again.

I've been a Foos fan since the beginning. I'm not fond of all their stuff, there's some I love and some I am just meh. But I can think of a load of times that they helped me through, and this is just another one, but it's been the biggest of my life.

And when I do slip, I listen to the song and remind myself that I am learning to walk again.

kathyp1637 November 15th 2018 04:49 AM

Re: My Walk
Thanks for sharing your story on here.

Keep walking. This is your life to create from this moment ( and each moment) moving forward...

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